Tomorrow is Father’s day. I don’t know if it will impact you, but I know it will hurt our daughter. She feels your loss acutely on days like this, when she sees her friends shopping for mugs and socks and busy making love filled cards. She wants to love her Dad, she wants a Father too.
She is an extremely bright 14 year old girl, but two years ago, you cut all contact off with her and ignored her calls. She went through a really tough time with such a visceral rejection, at a time when she was entering puberty and already experiencing self doubt and insecurity. There was no fight, no incident, you just moved in with your new girlfriend and closed the door on your child.
She deals with your rejection now with humour, but it masks a deep insecurity where she questions why you turned your back on her. I repeatedly tell her that it’s not about her and it is about your issues, but at an emotional level, can she hear me?
How does it effect you? Do you block it out of your head? Do you ever feel guilty? Do you sleep at night? I wonder on Father’s day, do you feel even a tinge of sadness for what you have thrown away or the hurt you have caused your own child? Are you hurting too?
You’ve stopped paying maintenance for her too, do you ever wonder has your child a warm bed to sleep in or a fridge full of food? I know you’re saving some money, but is the price you pay for that saving not too high? Somewhere, deep inside you surely feel bad?
Today, I would love you to take responsibility for your actions. I would love you to own your behaviour and work to make good on the hurt you caused. It would be easier for me to have you out of our lives forever, but the right thing for our daughter would be for me to help you repair the damage you’ve caused. I will always love our daughter more than I dislike you, because my love for her will never be beaten.
The door will always be open for you to come in and make good on the harm you caused. I will though be the gatekeeper at that door, and I will be asking you to prove your intentions before exposing our daughter to any more hurt. You can call that controlling, I call it protective. I want you in her life, but not at any cost and not if you could do this again to her.
It will take years, hard work and perseverance for you to build up trust with her again, but it can and should happen. The rewards for that work will be worth it. You could have a relationship with a funny, quirky, kind and empathetic soul, your daughter.
I hope on a day like Father’s Day, you will take the time to truly reflect on what you have lost and the hurt you have caused. It won’t be easy, but I want you to know, it can still be undone
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